Merry Christmas!

To all of my wonderful readers. . . . . . 

MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

May it be your best Christmas, yet! 

Victoria

Food Fixations - part 2

As I said, this series will probably jump around a bit. I had intended a different post next in this series (Mom's food fixations as I grew older in childhood), but with the coming holiday, a different one will come next while it is on my mind.

Mom totally loses sight of what the true meaning of each and every holiday is for. Actually, I don't think she ever really and truly grasped what the actual meaning of any holiday was/is. For her, holidays are a means of Narcissistic supply, via her food fixations. She insists on holding every holiday gathering at her house, using whatever manipulative method she can think of to get as many friends and family members to agree to come. Then, regardless of how 'simple' she tells people that it is going to be, she begins weeks in advance, sometimes even months, planning the 'menu.'

For her, holidays become a PRODUCTION... an event to showcase her cooking talents and bask in all the attention and compliments it brings in. She plans out elaborate dinner menus with a multitude of dishes. For weeks upon weeks she talks incessantly about her menu and all of the various dishes in great detail. Very seldom can you hold a conversation with her without it turning to talk of the next holiday's dinner menu and/or one of its dishes. Not only does the actual dinner draw her in a heap of Narcissistic supply, but she pulls from it for weeks before, drawing in as many small doses of Narcissistic fixes as possible in advance. She basks in control fixes as she discusses the dinner, manipulates people into agreeing they will come to it, and delegates to everyone which menu item she wants them to bring. (No, you don't dare bring what you want and mess up her dinner layout, or you will hear about it for a long time to come. That, or your dish simply gets 'accidentally' hidden in the garage. If you want to bring something of your own choosing, you have to clear it with her first ... to save trouble later.) Those that don't show up for the meal get to be the one(s) she spends the day running down with sarcastic cracks about how ungrateful they are for all the hard work she went through to provide them a great holiday meal.

And this time of year it is Christmas Dinner that is her choice of Narcissistic supply. Even before Thanksgiving, she made it clear to everyone in the family that Christmas Dinner would be held at her house. In the weeks since, anyone daring to consider not coming to her 'production', received guilt laden, verbal beatings, both direct and subtle. And for weeks upon weeks, every conversation anyone has tried to hold with her has almost immediately turned to discussion of Christmas Dinner and the various dishes she will be making for it. She pretends to ask  this and that person for advice on certain dishes, but in actuality, it is just another attention draw, a means to get you to talk to her about the meal that she is preparing, the 'production' that she is putting on, a way of pre-fishing for attention and compliments.

As Christmas draws closer, she talks of nothing but Christmas Dinner and the dishes she is preparing. Aside for the few dishes that she delegates, she wants to prepare all of the dishes herself. She actually says that no one else can cook this dish or that dish as well as she can. (There's that grandiose attitude of the narcissist) What she isn't saying is that she wants to cook everything so that all the compliments are on her with no chance of any compliments going to anyone else. This is her show, and she absolutely cannot tolerate anyone else stealing her lime light. Everyone must now attentively listen to her constant chatter about her Christmas Dinner and all of her dishes... over, and over, and over, and over .... food, food, food .... or listen to her fierce barking and growling if she thinks your mind is somewhere else or you try to bring up another subject about yourself. It's the 'Christmas season' ..... this is her 'moment.'  She even makes 'practice' dishes before hand, calling people to come try them out, and expecting compliments. Christmas is one of her biggest Narcissism supplies of the year, and she milks it for all she can.

Then, when Christmas is finally over.... after she has spent the day continually trying to stuff as much food down as many people as possible, when people begin to show signs they are getting ready to leave .... she begins the ..."Oh, I am so exhausted! This is so hard on me. This is just too much for me to do any more. I haven't gotten to sleep in days for having to do all this cooking. Etc, etc, etc.," to drain a few more drops of Narcissistic supply (in the form of pity, sympathy, thanks, and a few more compliments) from her guests before they leave.  She will then rest from her holiday meal planning for a few days to a few weeks, before she begins the routine all over again for St. Patrick's Day (yes, she will use anything) and Easter.

In Her Mood!!!

I talked to my mom on the phone last night. She was still in that 'mood.' She has been in that mood for days, now. When things aren't going her way, or she isn't getting her Narcissistic "fix" met, she gets in this horrible, constantly sarcastic, every one is against her, hates the world, hunts harder than ever to find things to slap me (the scapegoat) down for, moods. It's the equivalent to a druggie's withdrawals. It's a Narcissist's withdrawal.... withdrawing from lack of Narcissistic Supply.

I call her at night for two reasons... one, to make sure she is okay and isn't sick or hasn't fallen or anything. The other is to let her know that I am okay, that I haven't fallen, haven't had another heart attack or asthma attack, and am still breathing. Yes, she could be calling me to check on me, but by making it clear that she expects me to call her each day, and me making the call each day, she is getting the satisfaction of one small 'control fix' each day. If I miss a day and don't call her, she sinks into an extremely sulky, depressed, very bitter mood. She then calls up all of her friends in her gossip chain and proceeds to lay out to them the fabricated story she has built up as to how I don't care enough about her to call and check on her, how I worry her to the point she is sick and can't sleep because she doesn't know if I am alive or if something has happened to me (even though that phone goes both ways and we are only talking about one day, here), and, in general, what a horrible person I am. She will do this for days, spewing her concocted story to anyone she can get to listen to it, even service people that come to her house. And in the end, I end up being the one that looks like the villain, disregarding the fact that she is filling her listeners full of lies and fabrications.

As stressful, frustrating, emotionally draining, and toxic as it is to our emotional and physical health and well being to deal with a narcissist, sometimes, that narcissist is someone that we are blood related to, and/or (as hard as it is to believe) love, and don't want to walk away from. So we must learn clever ways to deal with them. So, why GIVE her that Narcissistic Fix each and every day? Why GIVE her that little bit of control each and every day? Actually, I'm not giving her anything! She just thinks that I am. Unknowingly, she has given ME the control. I know what she needs for a small, daily fix, to keep her pacified, to keep her mood on an even keel and I GIVE it to her (until her need for a bigger fix arises, then that is an whole other story) . It is like sticking a pacifier into a baby's mouth to keep EVERYONE peaceful and happy. It works for awhile and things go along reasonably smoothly, but, eventually, the 'baby' has bigger needs to be satisfied, and/or the 'baby' begins to feel neglected, or no longer the center of attention, and demands some satisfaction, then requiring different methods to deal with his/her emotional explosion.

And this is where I am at right now, she is exploding with bigger things. After many, many years of a pattern of bad relationships, I am finally seeing someone that is extra good to me, and I am very happy. This new found happiness and security on my end, in turn, frustrates my Narcissistic Mom. She can't stand me being this happy, this just can't be. No matter how 'happy', a narcissist appears on the surface (and only regular 'hits of narcissistic supply brings happiness), deep down inside, they are very miserable, frustrated, unhappy people - constantly. And because I am an adult and living on my own, she is feeling a total loss of control over my relationship and my happiness. The narcissist absolutely can't tolerate their scapegoat ever being happy. The scapegoat MUST always stay pushed down beneath them (in their eyes). So, at the moment, she is doing all she can to bring my happy mood down.

She is my mom, and, it is natural for a daughter to share her happiness with her mother. I struggle with this. My natural instinct, (even nearly 50 years later) is, when I get excited about something, to share my good news with my mom. I promise you, people, that ISN'T the thing to do! Yesterday, I was all excited about getting a brand new, artificial Christmas tree for next to nothing at the flea market. I hadn't put up a tree, yet, this year because I couldn't afford a new one, and my old one won't fit where I am living right now. So I was extra excited when I lucked onto one for nearly nothing, one exactly like I wanted at that. When I talked to her last night and she asked how my day went, I started to tell her about the narrow, 6-foot, old-fashioned looking tree I had gotten, letting the excitement shine through in my voice. Before I could finish, before I could tell her how little I paid for it (well under $5), she began yelling at me and telling me that I should have said something to her, that she had an old, small, 3-foot one that I could have used. Every time I tried to open my mouth to explain, she jumped back in to express how her tree was much better and I should have used hers, how terrible it was that, as broke as I am, I BOUGHT a new tree. She just kept on about her old tree, how she got it, and how great it was. Every time a break in the conversation came up and I tried to get a word in to explain, she loudly and sarcastically jumped in, cutting me off at my first word, talking as fast as she possibly could, about how great her tree was and how terrible I was for getting a new one. Finally, I raised my voice (not yelling, just loud enough I could talk over her) and said, "Let me finish! I was in the middle of telling you about my tree and you interrupted me." Of course I got the, "Don't you yell at me! Don't you raise your voice to me!"  (with the insinuation, 'I'm your mother, you must respect me and never raise your voice to me, nor talk to me in that tone." She has actually said that to me numerous times, now it is simply insinuated.) Rather than fuel her fire, I went silent, which really confuses her. She is wanting a fight, and doesn't know how to deal with silence. So, after a spell of silence, she finally said, "Go on, finish telling me what you were trying to say."  (By telling me to finish what I was saying, she thinks she is still controlling me and getting a tiny little Narcissistic Fix.)

I forced myself to swallow my anger and hurt, and push my excitement about my new tree to the front, as I finished telling her about it (as if she had never tried to slap my excitement down). I made it clear how happy and excited I was about my new tree, and how I couldn't wait to get it set up, making sure I didn't let a drop of anger at her come to the surface. It confused her, badly, and she didn't have a clue what to say. Nothing she had just said or done to slap down my happiness had worked. That confused her, and the phone grew silent. She finally asked, sarcastically, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yes, I was letting you have your turn to talk." She frustratedly replied, "Well I don't know anything new! I don't have any new news to tell you! (meaning gossip)  I was waiting for you to tell me something else!" . . . meaning, start a new topic so I have something else to slap you down with. I wouldn't give her any new fodder, she couldn't break my happy mood, so, frustrated, she said she needed to get to bed and ended our conversation. No telling how she will 'enhance' the story of our phone call to retell to her gossip chain this evening. In the past, this conversation would have upset me so badly that I would have put the tree away and not even put it, or any other tree up, sinking into depression about it the rest of the Christmas season ..... she would have 'won' and gotten her desired Narcissistic fix ..... but this week, I am going to put that tree up and thoroughly enjoy it!

I finally have a boyfriend that treats me well, makes me very happy, and that I have a promising future with. In my mom's eyes, that is a major threat to her ego, and my 'happy mood' MUST be knocked down! But I am not bending. I am not breaking. I am not letting go of my happy mood, no matter how financially broke I am, nor what life clinker is thrown at me, and that frustrates her beyond description. So right now, she is in a constant state of sarcasm with me, spending her days thinking up ways to knock my happy mood down. I dread my nightly calls to her, hate having to stay so alert, on guard and defensive, but she is my mom, and I wouldn't feel right if I didn't call each day to check and make sure she is okay. Stay tuned, her 'mood' could get very interesting.

Food Fixations - part 1

Food Fixation - this is one aspect of my mom's Narcissism that I have yet to understand. I'm not sure where to start, it's really even difficult to explain, so this post may get edited and updated a few times.

I'm not sure how far back I remember my mom's Food Fixations being a problem... if she was like that since before I was born, or if she grew into the problem as she grew into her adult years. But it IS a problem, and the problem just grows, and grows, and grows with the years.

I do wish I could remember as far back as when I was a baby, so that I could remember what her methods of feeding me were. I do recall all of the stories, both from her, and other family members, as to how badly I was afflicted with colic and as to how badly I screamed and cried with it through the nights. I don't; however, recall her mentioning much about changing formulas, switching to goat's milk (I know she didn't do that, but that is what I would have done), nor anything of the like. I only remember hearing stories as to how much I screamed, cried, and doubled up every night while on a bottle, how much sleep she lost, and how stressful it was for her. As I see her now, from an adult viewpoint, and know how pushy she gets in her efforts to get people to eat the things she cooks, I have my doubts that she made many, if any, changes in my formula. And that is what it was back then, a formula that mothers mixed themselves .... not this 'ready made', chemical laden stuff that is pushed on us today.

So I guess I have answered my own question, Mom's Food Fixation goes back to even before I was born. I now see her attitude towards her 'cooking' from adult eyes, I see that she expects everyone to absolutely love everything she cooks. She is a pretty good cook, and uses this skill as one of her narcissistic suppliers. She fishes and pushes for compliments to the point you can't even enjoy what you are eating. Often times, her probing  begins the second your teeth sink into that first bite, before the flavor even has a chance to hit your tongue. If you don't eat what she pushes at you, and compliment her on it, she becomes insulted, rubbing it in your face for a long while to come. So I can see where, after 'making' my formula and being so proud of herself, my tiny little body's rejection of it would have infuriated her so badly that she would have just kept feeding it to me with the attitude, "I made it and you are going to drink it and like it." When Little Brother was born, at his very first whimper, his formula was changed to ensure that he was comfortable.

As a small child, I was a pretty picky eater (you would never know that now, ha, ha). It's no wonder with the shape my tummy must have been in (It turned out that I was allergic to cow's milk.). But there were still quite a few things, in every food group, that I did like, so it wasn't difficult to feed me a well balanced meal (I even liked spinach and Brussels sprouts.). I also was not a big eater. I was small, but a healthy weight on the low side. And I was always in a hurry to get dinner over with so I could go back outside to play. Mom would pile my plate high, with servings that nearly matched hers, and expect me to eat 'every bite.'  I was not to leave the table until my plate was 'clean.' (Looking back, now, I can see that, in part, that was done in resentment for how happy going outside and playing made me.) Once full, I would sit there for hours on end, the only one left at the table, staring at my plate, crying because I was too full to eat another bite, and listening to Mom, standing over me, screaming at me because she had gone to the trouble of cooking my meal and I was GOING TO EAT IT! Course, all that screaming just made my little tummy knot up, making it even harder to finish the adult-sized portions staring back at me from my plate. And Little Brother? Where was he? He was outside playing. Was his plate clean? NO! Why? "He is smaller than you and can't eat as much."

Then there were the foods that I didn't like, but she did. When she was in one of her "moods", she would pile generous amounts of those foods on my plate. No, I couldn't take just a bite or two (like the average parent has their kids do with foods they don't like, in an effort to culture their tastes), I had to eat the entire serving! She liked it, it was delicious, and therefore, I was going to like it, too! There were some foods, such as radishes, that I disliked so much, I gagged at even the tiniest of tastes. But when she was in one of those 'moods', she would put several of those nasty, hot, pethy things on my plate and insist I eat every bite and like it, because she loved them. I would try, take little bites, gag, then cry, and cry, and cry, wishing like everything that 'it' was over and I could go outside and play. (I was around 5-7 years old here.) Then I would cry harder at the thought of what I knew was coming next, which brought on louder derogatory screams in my ear, and knotted my full little tummy up even tighter. Everyone else had gone outside, it was just she and I. Under threat of physical harm, I finally took bigger bites of those nasty old radishes to try and get them down faster, but the taste was soooo offensive, that I threw up on the floor next to my chair. It wasn't at all intentional. Their taste was just that disgusting to me, I was already full from the things I did like, and my little tummy was all nervous and knotted up. But then.... just as I feared.... the belt came out! It was unthinkable, and unforgivable, to so strongly dislike a food that she loved so much. So, I had to be punished. Her insulted ego, anger, and frustrations were then taken out on my legs and bottom (Little girls wore light weight dresses, then.).  This process was repeated until the food was consumed. Finally, offensive food consumed, mess all cleaned up, I was allowed to leave the table. By then, playtime was over, bedtime was near, and my next duty was to pick out a dress for school the next day, one that would hide the whelps on my legs.

to be continued. . . . . . . .

Froggy Is Cute?

Narcissists are very full of themselves. In their eyes, everything they do is great, cute, wonderful, adorable, etc. No matter how rude or disgusting they may think something is if someone else is doing it, it is wonderful if they, themselves are doing it.

One of Mom's favorite's is when she gets a Frog in her Throat. She thinks she sounds really 'cool' like that, refuses to clear her throat, jabbers non-stop because she loves to hear the sound she is making, and wants everyone possible to hear the really cool sound she is making. [It's not cool, Mom, it's annoying!] Even worse..... somehow, in her twisted thought process, she thinks that 'frog-in-the-throat' sounds is classy! Ugh!!!And the worse the 'frog' is, the more she talks about nothing to make sure everyone possible gets to hear it. Allergy season is the worst!

It happened again yesterday during a phone conversation with her. She first called me about something specific (that only took a moment), but then, as usual, she had to jabber about anything she could think of, as quickly as she could think of things, to hold me on the phone (that control thing). At the very beginning of our conversation, from the moment I answered the phone, she had a Frog in her Throat! You would think by now that I would stop expecting her to clear her throat, as the average person would immediately do, but I still do. The minute I heard the Frog croaking, I naturally anticipated her to stop a moment and clear her throat .... but, of course, she didn't. So after several sentences of frustratedly trying to understand what she was saying, I stopped her and said, "Mom, you have a frog in your throat and I can't understand you." Of course, once it was brought to her attention in a tone that let her know I considered it a negative thing, she flatly denied it. She irritatedly argued (frog in throat), "No I don't! There is nothing wrong with my throat. It's fine!" and continued talking even faster and louder than before, the croaking growing by the moment.

 There was absolutely no way to understand what she was saying, and she wasn't going to stop talking for awhile because she was enjoying hearing herself so much, so I finally put the phone on speaker, laid it down, picked up my knitting, and just let her jabber away while I worked on my knitting. Finally, many minutes later, when the Frog got so bad that she could no longer get ANY words at all out, she stopped, cleared her throat, and, without missing a beat in her one-sided conversation, said, "Well, I guess I did have a little frog in my throat." then continued on jabbering. 'Mr. Froggy' was wonderful so long as he was making her sound cool, but when he got in the way of her getting her words out, the control source by which she was keeping me on the phone and away from what I needed to be doing (so she thought), Mr. Froggy had to go!

 It is unbelievable the things a narcissist thinks is cute and will use to draw attention to themselves.

A Pie In The Face

 The mind of the Narcissist is very complex and complicated. Added to that, I get sooooo frustrated trying to deal with my Narcissists' unexpected, I-can't-believe-she/he-just-did-that attacks, that my thoughts start to all jumble around over each other, making it difficult to document the incident smoothly. So please bear with me and ask away if something isn't clear or doesn't make sense and you want me to clarify.

A few weeks ago my  mom kept saying she was in the mood for a peach cobbler. One evening, I was going to be at her house through the dinner hour working on a project and we decided I would grab a couple of  TV dinners while I was at the store. I saw the new Banquet fruit pies in the freezer. You know, the ones that are the size of the individual pot pies? Well, I thought I would get one for the two of us to split and surprise her. When I got to her house and walked in the door, I smelled it cooking..... She had just made a peach cobbler!

I showed her the peach pie and she said she had seen them and been thinking about trying one. But she had just made the peach cobbler and it was fresh and ready. So we decided to put the Banquet peach pie in the freezer for another time when we ate together. It was never mentioned again. The weather turned hot and we all started eating ice cream instead.

--- Weeks later, I had to stop by her house to pick something up and drop something off on my way home. In the kitchen at her house, I happened to walk by her as she was getting in the freezer for something. It is amazing how fast the Narcissist thinks! She took immediate opportunity to slap me down. (I was obviously having a good day, was in a good mood, and that agitates a narcissist.)

She reached in the freezer, pulled out the little Peach Pie (which wasn't what she had originally gone to the freezer for), went into a very bad acting mode and sarcastically said, "Andy got this for me the other day trying to do something nice for me but I DO NOT like them. I haven't said anything to him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. It has some kind of spice in it that I don't like and I don't like spices in my peach pie. I like my peach pies just plain." (Andy is my adult son that has just moved in with my mom.)

Oh, my gosh! What a slap in the face! She knew I had gotten that pie for the both of us to share that night we ate dinner together! She knew that we had put it up to share another time since she had already made a cobbler. She hadn't forgotten any of it. But when I got there  I was in a happy mood, having a good day, and she just couldn't allow that! She had to think of something quick to bring me down. So when she reached in the freezer for something, I walked by,  she spotted that pie, and she instantly fabricated the story about my son getting it for her. They are quick and creative, while you stand there struggling to make sense of it all.

She hadn't really ever tried one. She probably had read the ingredients and remembered seeing that it had cinnamon or something in it. Personally, I think they are pretty darned good for something you can bake in the microwave in less than 5 minutes. She probably would have loved it. But at that moment, she had two motives in mind.... One was to knock my happy mood down a few pegs, The other was the added bonus of taking the opportunity to make a deposit in the "I am better than you and you must remember it" Bank. She did this by insinuating that the pie may be good enough for me, but it wasn't for her. "You may like it with spices in it, but I don't. I like mine with just peaches, with emphasis on the 'I'.  (By this time I had reminded her that I, not Andy, had gotten that pie for the both of us, though she did already know that. That was the wrong thing to do because her face lit up with joy and satisfaction when she saw how insulted I was. You just can't win, no matter which way you go. They seem to have something to cover every angle.)

She said in an 'I'm better than you' tone with a hint of sarcasm, "I'm sorry, but I don't like these," and shoved it at me. "I know you bought it for me but you may as well take it home." Me, me, me, me, me ..... I  bought it for US to share, not just HER, and she DID remember that. But at that moment, it was all about her and my happy mood had to be knocked down. Why? Because inside they are constantly miserable, and it just won't do for their Scapegoat to be happy! That just can't be allowed. It is unthinkable for the Scapegoat to have something the Narcissist doesn't have, such as happiness, in this case.

As she attempted to start up a conversation to detain me (more control), I said I had to get home, grabbed up the pie, my purse, and left to go home where I could continue to enjoy the rest of my happy day, yet leaving her to think she had won a victory. If she thinks she has her fix, then I might have a little peace before her next attack.

I ate the blasted ole pie that night and thoroughly enjoyed it, while I chatted with friends over the phone and stayed in my happy mood. She missed out on some really good dessert. But for her, a fix was more important.

Mine's Better

There are a handful of people in a Narcissist's life that they look up to, those that they view as someone really special, of high ranking, high social status, of great importance. They actually need a few of these people in their life because to know them, to be associated with them, makes them feel like they are someone special and important simply because they know them. But the rest of us, the Narcissist views as 'beneath' him/her, and the Narcissist will go to great lengths to make it clear to us that we are considered beneath him/her.


My mom, the aging Narcissist, constantly makes attempts to let me know that she views me as beneath her. One of her most used venues is, "Everything I have is better than what you have." No, she doesn't usually come out and say that exactly, it is all done with strong subtleness.


I was over at her house the other day. I reached into my pocket for my cell phone to call my son. Before I could even open my phone she urged, "If you are going to call ----- you can do it on my phone faster. All you have to do is push this one button and it automatically dials him." I sat there looking at her in disbelief. Sometimes what they say really sounds off-the-wall, but makes perfect sense to them. She was suggesting that even her phone was better than mine! I had just hung up talking to him earlier and it would stand to reason that I, too, could push just one button and dial him back. But that really didn't matter, by the time I put my phone back up, walked across the room, picked up her phone, looked to see what she was talking about (because she would have to dramatically spend some extra time to show me how to do it on her phone with an "Me and my phone are so special" attitude to draw attention to herself, I could have had my son dialed and completed our conversation. But instead, she had to quickly grasp the opportunity to let me know that her phone was better than mine. In reality, she must have been needing a Narcissistic fix.


I said, "There's nothing wrong with my phone, it works just fine. I can just as easily call him on it sitting right here." She pushed, "But mine is better, you can just push one number and call him."  I refused and proceeded to dial him on my own phone, sitting right where I was on the other side of the room on the couch, as she continued to grumble under her breath that it would have been easier and better to have used her phone (house phone).


As you may know and/or will learn, a Narcissist usually has multiple reasons for each of their tactics. In this particular case there were at least two reasons for her attempted diversion. The biggest reason, of course, was to get in a dig that her belongings were far superior to mine, making it clear that I am absolutely inferior to her. After this Narcissist being in my life for nearly 50 years, it still amazes me at how fast she can think up and pounce on an opportunity to put me down, to get in a dig that she views me as beneath her. Her entire manipulative thought wave occurred in the amount of time it took me to pull my phone out of my pocket and slip it out of it's pouch.


Secondly, this was an effort to get 'gossip' material. Her favorite evening 'hobby' is to get on the phone with her gossip buddies and share info. Again, there is a double edge here. First, if she knows something they don't (which is learned by eaves dropping on a conversation that she heard and they didn't) and shares it with them, it makes her feel special and important. Alternatively, she uses everything she can dig up on me throughout the day to run me down to her friends, to make me look bad/weak, and herself look great. The closer I come to my little small business becoming a success, the stronger her need grows for knocking me down in the eyes of the public. She knows exactly which gossips to speak with to get word spread around town the quickest.


So how would it be easier for her to hear my conversation on her phone? Because I got tired of being the butt of her nightly gossip and I usually go outside to talk on my cell phone, giving my lame excuses as to better reception or something of the like, or best of all, no excuse at all, just step outside to talk on my phone with no other word (The suspense of not knowing what I am saying or to whom I am speaking absolutely kills her!).  Her alternate intent was to quickly stop me from going outside, where she couldn't hear, to talk on my phone. To manipulate me into using her home phone that is on the end table just inches from where she was sitting, would  give her the best possible chance of hearing everything I said, and possibly a good portion of what someone on the other end said, if she listened very closely.  But there is no winning with a Narcissist. I am sure her nightly gossip turned into how stupid I was for being stubborn and using my cell phone when she gave me the opportunity to use her terrific land phone.


And all this conspired in under 5 seconds, as I pulled my phone out of my pocket, slipped it out of it's case, simultaneously stating, "Just a minute, I'm calling L."  (she talks non-stop, to keep the attention on herself, and won't stop talking unless you tell her to - let her know that you are not going to be listening to her for a moment - if even then)  You just never know when the simplest, most innocent of gestures will be used against you by the Narcissist.

Another Narcissist Date

My boyfriend (a really good one finally) passed away a couple of months ago so I haven't been interested in dating. I have just been letting myself take my time going through the grief process.

But one day a couple of weeks ago, I had received a message that I had messages on a dating site I use to be on. I got on to update my profile and let people know that I had just lost someone and wasn't interested in dating at this time. While I was on there I started getting messages from a couple more people. I sent back a simple reply to a couple of them. One in particular expressed his sympathies but said that he would like to at least talk a little more.

We exchanged quite a few emails, chatted a little, and had a few enjoyable phone conversations. He did seem to be a bit of a braggart (especially about how much money he made), but not too bad and he always kept me laughing. He had tentatively asked me out one day for a fishing date on his boat later in that week. We had it narrowed down to one of two days. Those days came and went with no more mention of the date.

Then a couple of days ago he asked me more specifically for a lunch date for today. I agreed and even had looked forward to it. He had even asked me where my favorite place to eat was. He had to make a 45 minute drive for our date. But then, I had to make just under a 30 minute drive. Since he was driving here and getting lunch, I wanted to make sure I contributed. So I took him a package of the popular fish bait that I make (which turned out to be worth double what my lunch was).

He called to let me know when he was getting close to here. When he did, he asked where we should meet at, no mention of the restaurant that I had said was my favorite (which is also very inexpensive). He grumbled something about our town not having a KFC. I told him that it did, telling him where it was. He said, "Good! I will meet you there. They have a $2 lunch special on Wednesdays." He explained that he didn't like to spend a lot of money on the unimportant things. I knew then that the date was over before it had begun!

He had said that when I got there I would definitely know him. He was right. He was decorated up in the way that he usually is for his business. He was using our date for a public promotion. I had arrived first, then he did a couple of minutes later. I had waited out in my car for him to get there, intending to meet him outside and walk in together. No, as soon as he got there he went right in. Of course his attire drew attention and customers immediately started asking him about it. So as I went in and introduced myself to him, he gave me a sideways smile and hello, then went back to talking to a customer about his business, heavily promoting himself.

We finally go to the counter to order. He told me what the $2 special was and asked me if that was okay. I smiled and politely said, "sure."  The woman asked what we wanted to drink. I said root beer, he said water. I actually usually get water, but this time I was in the mood for a root beer.  The order taker asked me what size. Just as I opened my mouth to answer he quickly jumped in and firmly stated, "Small.... you all have free refills so why would you want a bigger one. If she wants a bigger one she can pay for it." Geez!!! Although I would have ordered the small anyway, I certainly didn't like my decisions so crudely being made for me, nor his whole attitude about the matter. He was doing my thinking for me, already controlling me. I, however, rolled with it and kept on smiling while I told myself, "careful girl, go cautiously, looks like we could have another Narcissist on our hands, here."

He at least did let me pick the table, although I am sure he would have disagreed if it wasn't one he had in mind. I chose a quiet one close to a window and off to the side where we could easily talk. The conversation went fairly smoothly. All I had to do was nod my head and laugh now and then. He did a great job of holding the conversation and telling me all about how great he and his business were, and laughing hard at everything he, himself said. He stopped several times to take a call and jot notes down in the notebook he had brought in with him. He wanted everyone in the room to know how important he was. He had asked me a little once before about my business, but I had only managed to get to tell him a little about it. And he didn't seem interested in discussing my business today, either. He was on a mission, to draw attention to himself to promote his.

When I quietly handed him the package of my professionally packaged fish bait that I had brought for him (during all of our conversations so far he had talked about how much he liked to fish), the first thing he skeptically asked was, "Does it work?" I said, "Of course," and tried to tell him a little about how I got started making it. He distantly listened, smushing and fidgeting with it in a way that I said would harm it, said he woudl try it tonight at his cousin's, then put it away and got out pictures of some of his work. Yes, he had brought in a very large bag of pictures of his work! He especially made sure I saw the ones of him posed with a couple of big country singing stars, making sure I understood how great he was because he knew them and they liked him. At this point I had no doubt but that I he was another obvious Narcissist! He was great because he personally knew and once talked to someone that was great, someone that was a very popular big time star...... one of the most typical Narcissist traits, I'm great because I know someone that is great.

He went to get a second plate of food and he did offer to get me one. I declined as one was more than enough for me and I was afraid of how he would react if I had accepted. First date and I was already tiptoeing around the egg shells, so to speak. On his way back to the table, he stopped to heckle an employee that was sweeping and not paying attention to him. Everyone must know he was there, what he did for a living, and how great he was. Even other customers that chose to ignore his standout look and eat their lunch peacefully, were forced to notice him. He either stopped by their tables to make some silly remark, then began slyly promoting himself, or he would call to one across the room making some silly remark to get their attention. And of course, he made it clear to everyone in the building that this KFC wasn't nearly as good as the one in his town, a tactic to let us all know that we were beneath him and he was greater than anyone in the building, use to better, and we should all admire him. Give me a break, lunch was only $2 for a full plate of food, just what did he expect!? Oh, yes, he also made it a point, several times throughout our dining experience to tell me and several customers along with the KFC employees, that he now has the KFC recipe, that he had managed to recently get it from someone, insinuating that it was because he was so special.

As he began to eat his second plate and I sipped on my refill, he proceeded to show me pictures of all of his expensive "toys," things that he owned such as recreational vehicles, and there were several.  We were there for quite awhile. Although he seemed to be enjoying telling me all about himself, I really think that our overly long lunch date was due to the fact that the restaurant was slow and he had to stay longer to make more business contacts. He did give out his number to one customer before we left, in an effort to secure a sale with them. 

Outside, he walked me to my car and it was more of the same, lots of bragging about himself and his business and now it included how great his sons' business was, how popular their band was and how much money they made. At this point, I had totally given up on talking at all about myself and just listened, smiled and nodded. He did manage to criticize the way I had parked, never considering that I may have parked that way because the person that had been next to me when I got there had parked crooked and I had to follow suit to fit. Although he said he understood, his expression told me that he didn't believe me, then he proceeded to tell me how he usually blocked people that parked like that in so that they couldn't open their car doors. The attitude .... people that weren't perfect like him needed to be punished.  He wanted to subtly make sure that I understood that I wasn't as great as he was. 

We talked for awhile longer ..... well, he talked, I listened, smiled, nodded and added the occasional comment of agreement or shocked disbelief, whichever was most appropriate. Finally, he needed to leave to get to his cousin's house before dinner and I needed to run an errand before 5. `He asked me what I would like to do on our next date. He said it was kind of boring here (at KFC). Seemed to me like he was having a great time. He sure had laughed a lot at his own conversations. I suggested we go to the lake or somewhere by the water. He said, "Well, maybe I can get my boat started soon." Boat..... that would be nice, but I don't have to have a boat to enjoy being at the lake. He then said, "Well, we have between now and then to decide, don't we." I, once again, agreed. No specific "then" had been set anyway for a next date. 

We parted ways, saying our good byes and wishing each other a good evening, but without so much as a hug. He certainly didn't appear to even want a hug. As he started to walk away and reached the end of my car, he paused to childishly draw a very large happy and sad face in the dust on my back window, giggling like a Jr. High boy and stating, "Not too bad, only a little dust."  I said, I washed them all good and clean 2 days ago, but I live on a dirt road, what do you expect?" He answered in an authoritative, judgmental tone, "It isn't too bad, just a little dusty." First, I was desperately trying to hold my temper at that point, because drawing on windows in the dust scratches them all up. And second... who the heck did he think he was judging the amount of dust on my windshield?!! I mean, we are talking about a man that showed up for a date with his beard completely painted in an array of neon colors to get noticed. Something in me must have given him the impression I was strong and threatened his ego, because all through our date he made numerous attempts to make it clear to me that I was 'beneath' him. I gave him my "You're a jerk" look and he turned to walk away. But before we parted, he called back to add that on our next date, I was paying. Hmmmm.... that 99 cent Egg Drop Soup at my favorite local Chinese place sure sounds good!  I went on to my errand but before he left, he was headed back in to KFC with his VERY LARGE drink cup from, of course, somewhere else, to fill it up with ice (again) before he left. I guess that paying for my small drink made him feel entitled to free ice refills in his own cup as well. My guess was that he was not only going back in to refill his ice, but to spend a little more time drawing more attention to himself to drum up even  more business. Who knows how long he probably ended up staying.

Before I went to bed I checked the dating site to see if he had left me any messages, as he usually did in the evening. Sure enough, he had been on the site not too long before, but no messages to me. No phone calls since, either. Guess I hadn't gushed enough over him and fed his Narcissistic Supply as well as he had hoped. This time around, the Narcissist was obviously drawn to me, like a magnet. I am getting much better and much faster at spotting them, though I am sure some may be better than others and still occasionally throw me off track for at least a little while. But this time, I had him figured out within the first 10 minutes of our first (and last) date! I will; however, be going back to KFC. That was an excellent lunch for only $2, which included two pieces of fried chicken, a great biscuit, and fresh, hot mashed potatoes and gravy.

The Missing Heirloom Cooking Pot

For the past few years, my brother, sister-in-law (both Narcissists) and their two young children have been living in my mom's home. (Our mom is also a hard core Narcissist)  I will get to the 'why-they-have-been-living-there' in a future blog.

It has been very interesting to see how my brother's Narcissism is one style, while the two women's Narcissism is another style, the women's nearly identical to each other. It gets downright humorous seeing each of the two women complaining about something the other might think, do, say, or feel, when they themselves think, do, say, or feel the same thing. You just gotta shake your head, keep your mouth shut and save your laugh for after you have left.

But sometimes, the things my sister-in-law (we will call her Louise) does to Mom are so horrible, I have to step in. Although both women are Malignant Narcissists, Louise cruelly uses our elderly mom for her Narcissistic fixes. Louise's most recent attack, though aimed at Mom, was so vicious, it hurt many of us in the family.

My brother (we will call him Dan), along with his wife and family are finally moving out of  Mom's house and out-of-town. They are actually 'officially' moved, but still have a bunch of crap to come get. Quite a few of Mom's spices and assorted small things around the house have gone missing through the move, but each was so small she decided it just wasn't worth the fight to try and get them back. Oh, yes, I must add that Mom (83) is recovering from an injury and has no way to go to Dan and Louise's house to see if she sees any of her belongings, and I am not invited or welcome (more on that later, too).

Then this week, when Mom was finally getting around well enough, with the aid of her walker, that she could prepare something simple in the kitchen, she discovered that her favorite cooking pot was missing! No, this wasn't just any cooking pot that could be replaced. This was a family heirloom with priceless sentimental value. It was always kept in the exact same spot and she was horrified to see it not there. She and I both searched every corner and cranny of her cabinets, house and garage.... but NO POT.

This sturdy, old, aluminum cooking pot was my Grandmother's.... Mom's Mom's. Grandma had cooked with it for a long, long time. Then it was passed down to my mom, who has used it now for at least 60 years on a regular basis, and it would be passed down to me next, then on to my oldest daughter. There are many happy, fun stories that go with many happy, fun meals and dishes that were cooked over the years in that old pot. As I was growing up, I learned many of my cooking skills while using that pot and it is my brother's favorite cooking pot to use to make his BBQ sauce. And now, it is missing.

Mom called Dan to see if he had it up there  at their new place. She politely worded her question, giving them the benefit that they might have accidentally packed it, although she knew that it wouldn't have been an accident.  His tone let her know that he honestly hadn't seen it and hadn't packed or taken it. He sincerely sounded surprised that it wasn't there. Then she asked him to ask Louise about it, if she had 'accidentally' packed it. Then he got on the defensive..... "Louise knew what that pot meant to us..... She wouldn't have taken it.....  You must have misplaced it and forgot" (they use the "your getting senile" routine every time they don't want to take responsibility for something they lost or destroyed). Dan has become very defensive of his wife's Narcissistic actions, covering up her behaviors and making her out to be the victim.

The family heirloom cooking pot is, supposedly, no where to be found at his new home either. And now that Mom's simple question has been turned into a big stink, it is not likely that the pot will ever be seen again. So why would Louise have taken the pot, which, due to circumstances, we have no doubt but that is what happened? There are two possibilities, and you have to try and 'think like a Narcissist' for a moment to figure it out.

The first possibility is simply, Louise liked the pot and wanted it. While they lived with Mom, she also liked the old cooking pot and used it often. Since she liked it and used it a lot, she would have felt 'entitled' to it and packed it. She knew that she wouldn't have been allowed to take it, by any of us, not even Dan, so she would have sneaked it out. But because in her sick, twisted, little Narcissistic mind she felt entitled to it, she took it. She liked it, she used it, she wanted it, she is above everyone else, she is entitled. In her mind, if she is entitled, it isn't stealing. Then if she is caught or someone tries to get it back, she then portrays herself as the unfortunate victim. Oh, yes, I must add, by secretly taking something, it keeps the actual victim wondering and guessing, while the 'thief' is the only one that knows the truth, thus giving them, the Narcissist, all the control. And Narcissists thrive on control!

The second possibility . . . . . spite! A Narcissist's mind is complex and you never know what will make them mad. After the fact, when you learn of something and think it through with the Narcissist's thought process in mind, you might give yourself a head-thunk and say, "ugh! I should have thought of that!"  Louise may have gotten mad at Mom for something. It may have been something Mom unknowingly said, did, or something Louise was jealous of Mom for. Although Louise appears to be excited about moving, she could be mad that she is moving and won't have Mom for a free baby sitter, or that she has to clean her own house now, as Mom has been forced to do all the cleaning for the past few years. Whatever it was, Louise may have been mad at Mom and the cooking pot permanently 'disappeared' for spite, because she knew it was something Mom treasured. Louise often did this, but never with something so valuable. Mom would make Louise mad then Mom would later learn the something in her fridge or canned good cabinet had gone out in the trash. Narcissists often get a BIG fix by hiding something that belongs to their Narcissistic Supplier' down in the trash, then watching them take the trash out and personally, unknowingly, throwing it out. Then they can honestly say, "I didn't throw it away."  It is spite, manipulation, revenge, and control at it's best, giving the Narcissist a very rewarding 'fix'. 

I have narrowed the plight of the missing, heirloom cooking pot to one of these two possibilities. I have no doubt that Louise is at the root of the pot's disappearance. I truly hope that the pot turns back up, but I doubt that it does. So long as the pot stays missing, and family members express hurt that it is gone, it is like Louise getting a constant IV drip of Narcissistic Supply, a 'high', that a Narcissist longs for, then savors. This time, it was at the expense of many generations of a family, generations of the past, present and future.