Merry Christmas!

To all of my wonderful readers. . . . . . 

MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

May it be your best Christmas, yet! 

Victoria

Food Fixations - part 2

As I said, this series will probably jump around a bit. I had intended a different post next in this series (Mom's food fixations as I grew older in childhood), but with the coming holiday, a different one will come next while it is on my mind.

Mom totally loses sight of what the true meaning of each and every holiday is for. Actually, I don't think she ever really and truly grasped what the actual meaning of any holiday was/is. For her, holidays are a means of Narcissistic supply, via her food fixations. She insists on holding every holiday gathering at her house, using whatever manipulative method she can think of to get as many friends and family members to agree to come. Then, regardless of how 'simple' she tells people that it is going to be, she begins weeks in advance, sometimes even months, planning the 'menu.'

For her, holidays become a PRODUCTION... an event to showcase her cooking talents and bask in all the attention and compliments it brings in. She plans out elaborate dinner menus with a multitude of dishes. For weeks upon weeks she talks incessantly about her menu and all of the various dishes in great detail. Very seldom can you hold a conversation with her without it turning to talk of the next holiday's dinner menu and/or one of its dishes. Not only does the actual dinner draw her in a heap of Narcissistic supply, but she pulls from it for weeks before, drawing in as many small doses of Narcissistic fixes as possible in advance. She basks in control fixes as she discusses the dinner, manipulates people into agreeing they will come to it, and delegates to everyone which menu item she wants them to bring. (No, you don't dare bring what you want and mess up her dinner layout, or you will hear about it for a long time to come. That, or your dish simply gets 'accidentally' hidden in the garage. If you want to bring something of your own choosing, you have to clear it with her first ... to save trouble later.) Those that don't show up for the meal get to be the one(s) she spends the day running down with sarcastic cracks about how ungrateful they are for all the hard work she went through to provide them a great holiday meal.

And this time of year it is Christmas Dinner that is her choice of Narcissistic supply. Even before Thanksgiving, she made it clear to everyone in the family that Christmas Dinner would be held at her house. In the weeks since, anyone daring to consider not coming to her 'production', received guilt laden, verbal beatings, both direct and subtle. And for weeks upon weeks, every conversation anyone has tried to hold with her has almost immediately turned to discussion of Christmas Dinner and the various dishes she will be making for it. She pretends to ask  this and that person for advice on certain dishes, but in actuality, it is just another attention draw, a means to get you to talk to her about the meal that she is preparing, the 'production' that she is putting on, a way of pre-fishing for attention and compliments.

As Christmas draws closer, she talks of nothing but Christmas Dinner and the dishes she is preparing. Aside for the few dishes that she delegates, she wants to prepare all of the dishes herself. She actually says that no one else can cook this dish or that dish as well as she can. (There's that grandiose attitude of the narcissist) What she isn't saying is that she wants to cook everything so that all the compliments are on her with no chance of any compliments going to anyone else. This is her show, and she absolutely cannot tolerate anyone else stealing her lime light. Everyone must now attentively listen to her constant chatter about her Christmas Dinner and all of her dishes... over, and over, and over, and over .... food, food, food .... or listen to her fierce barking and growling if she thinks your mind is somewhere else or you try to bring up another subject about yourself. It's the 'Christmas season' ..... this is her 'moment.'  She even makes 'practice' dishes before hand, calling people to come try them out, and expecting compliments. Christmas is one of her biggest Narcissism supplies of the year, and she milks it for all she can.

Then, when Christmas is finally over.... after she has spent the day continually trying to stuff as much food down as many people as possible, when people begin to show signs they are getting ready to leave .... she begins the ..."Oh, I am so exhausted! This is so hard on me. This is just too much for me to do any more. I haven't gotten to sleep in days for having to do all this cooking. Etc, etc, etc.," to drain a few more drops of Narcissistic supply (in the form of pity, sympathy, thanks, and a few more compliments) from her guests before they leave.  She will then rest from her holiday meal planning for a few days to a few weeks, before she begins the routine all over again for St. Patrick's Day (yes, she will use anything) and Easter.

In Her Mood!!!

I talked to my mom on the phone last night. She was still in that 'mood.' She has been in that mood for days, now. When things aren't going her way, or she isn't getting her Narcissistic "fix" met, she gets in this horrible, constantly sarcastic, every one is against her, hates the world, hunts harder than ever to find things to slap me (the scapegoat) down for, moods. It's the equivalent to a druggie's withdrawals. It's a Narcissist's withdrawal.... withdrawing from lack of Narcissistic Supply.

I call her at night for two reasons... one, to make sure she is okay and isn't sick or hasn't fallen or anything. The other is to let her know that I am okay, that I haven't fallen, haven't had another heart attack or asthma attack, and am still breathing. Yes, she could be calling me to check on me, but by making it clear that she expects me to call her each day, and me making the call each day, she is getting the satisfaction of one small 'control fix' each day. If I miss a day and don't call her, she sinks into an extremely sulky, depressed, very bitter mood. She then calls up all of her friends in her gossip chain and proceeds to lay out to them the fabricated story she has built up as to how I don't care enough about her to call and check on her, how I worry her to the point she is sick and can't sleep because she doesn't know if I am alive or if something has happened to me (even though that phone goes both ways and we are only talking about one day, here), and, in general, what a horrible person I am. She will do this for days, spewing her concocted story to anyone she can get to listen to it, even service people that come to her house. And in the end, I end up being the one that looks like the villain, disregarding the fact that she is filling her listeners full of lies and fabrications.

As stressful, frustrating, emotionally draining, and toxic as it is to our emotional and physical health and well being to deal with a narcissist, sometimes, that narcissist is someone that we are blood related to, and/or (as hard as it is to believe) love, and don't want to walk away from. So we must learn clever ways to deal with them. So, why GIVE her that Narcissistic Fix each and every day? Why GIVE her that little bit of control each and every day? Actually, I'm not giving her anything! She just thinks that I am. Unknowingly, she has given ME the control. I know what she needs for a small, daily fix, to keep her pacified, to keep her mood on an even keel and I GIVE it to her (until her need for a bigger fix arises, then that is an whole other story) . It is like sticking a pacifier into a baby's mouth to keep EVERYONE peaceful and happy. It works for awhile and things go along reasonably smoothly, but, eventually, the 'baby' has bigger needs to be satisfied, and/or the 'baby' begins to feel neglected, or no longer the center of attention, and demands some satisfaction, then requiring different methods to deal with his/her emotional explosion.

And this is where I am at right now, she is exploding with bigger things. After many, many years of a pattern of bad relationships, I am finally seeing someone that is extra good to me, and I am very happy. This new found happiness and security on my end, in turn, frustrates my Narcissistic Mom. She can't stand me being this happy, this just can't be. No matter how 'happy', a narcissist appears on the surface (and only regular 'hits of narcissistic supply brings happiness), deep down inside, they are very miserable, frustrated, unhappy people - constantly. And because I am an adult and living on my own, she is feeling a total loss of control over my relationship and my happiness. The narcissist absolutely can't tolerate their scapegoat ever being happy. The scapegoat MUST always stay pushed down beneath them (in their eyes). So, at the moment, she is doing all she can to bring my happy mood down.

She is my mom, and, it is natural for a daughter to share her happiness with her mother. I struggle with this. My natural instinct, (even nearly 50 years later) is, when I get excited about something, to share my good news with my mom. I promise you, people, that ISN'T the thing to do! Yesterday, I was all excited about getting a brand new, artificial Christmas tree for next to nothing at the flea market. I hadn't put up a tree, yet, this year because I couldn't afford a new one, and my old one won't fit where I am living right now. So I was extra excited when I lucked onto one for nearly nothing, one exactly like I wanted at that. When I talked to her last night and she asked how my day went, I started to tell her about the narrow, 6-foot, old-fashioned looking tree I had gotten, letting the excitement shine through in my voice. Before I could finish, before I could tell her how little I paid for it (well under $5), she began yelling at me and telling me that I should have said something to her, that she had an old, small, 3-foot one that I could have used. Every time I tried to open my mouth to explain, she jumped back in to express how her tree was much better and I should have used hers, how terrible it was that, as broke as I am, I BOUGHT a new tree. She just kept on about her old tree, how she got it, and how great it was. Every time a break in the conversation came up and I tried to get a word in to explain, she loudly and sarcastically jumped in, cutting me off at my first word, talking as fast as she possibly could, about how great her tree was and how terrible I was for getting a new one. Finally, I raised my voice (not yelling, just loud enough I could talk over her) and said, "Let me finish! I was in the middle of telling you about my tree and you interrupted me." Of course I got the, "Don't you yell at me! Don't you raise your voice to me!"  (with the insinuation, 'I'm your mother, you must respect me and never raise your voice to me, nor talk to me in that tone." She has actually said that to me numerous times, now it is simply insinuated.) Rather than fuel her fire, I went silent, which really confuses her. She is wanting a fight, and doesn't know how to deal with silence. So, after a spell of silence, she finally said, "Go on, finish telling me what you were trying to say."  (By telling me to finish what I was saying, she thinks she is still controlling me and getting a tiny little Narcissistic Fix.)

I forced myself to swallow my anger and hurt, and push my excitement about my new tree to the front, as I finished telling her about it (as if she had never tried to slap my excitement down). I made it clear how happy and excited I was about my new tree, and how I couldn't wait to get it set up, making sure I didn't let a drop of anger at her come to the surface. It confused her, badly, and she didn't have a clue what to say. Nothing she had just said or done to slap down my happiness had worked. That confused her, and the phone grew silent. She finally asked, sarcastically, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yes, I was letting you have your turn to talk." She frustratedly replied, "Well I don't know anything new! I don't have any new news to tell you! (meaning gossip)  I was waiting for you to tell me something else!" . . . meaning, start a new topic so I have something else to slap you down with. I wouldn't give her any new fodder, she couldn't break my happy mood, so, frustrated, she said she needed to get to bed and ended our conversation. No telling how she will 'enhance' the story of our phone call to retell to her gossip chain this evening. In the past, this conversation would have upset me so badly that I would have put the tree away and not even put it, or any other tree up, sinking into depression about it the rest of the Christmas season ..... she would have 'won' and gotten her desired Narcissistic fix ..... but this week, I am going to put that tree up and thoroughly enjoy it!

I finally have a boyfriend that treats me well, makes me very happy, and that I have a promising future with. In my mom's eyes, that is a major threat to her ego, and my 'happy mood' MUST be knocked down! But I am not bending. I am not breaking. I am not letting go of my happy mood, no matter how financially broke I am, nor what life clinker is thrown at me, and that frustrates her beyond description. So right now, she is in a constant state of sarcasm with me, spending her days thinking up ways to knock my happy mood down. I dread my nightly calls to her, hate having to stay so alert, on guard and defensive, but she is my mom, and I wouldn't feel right if I didn't call each day to check and make sure she is okay. Stay tuned, her 'mood' could get very interesting.

Food Fixations - part 1

Food Fixation - this is one aspect of my mom's Narcissism that I have yet to understand. I'm not sure where to start, it's really even difficult to explain, so this post may get edited and updated a few times.

I'm not sure how far back I remember my mom's Food Fixations being a problem... if she was like that since before I was born, or if she grew into the problem as she grew into her adult years. But it IS a problem, and the problem just grows, and grows, and grows with the years.

I do wish I could remember as far back as when I was a baby, so that I could remember what her methods of feeding me were. I do recall all of the stories, both from her, and other family members, as to how badly I was afflicted with colic and as to how badly I screamed and cried with it through the nights. I don't; however, recall her mentioning much about changing formulas, switching to goat's milk (I know she didn't do that, but that is what I would have done), nor anything of the like. I only remember hearing stories as to how much I screamed, cried, and doubled up every night while on a bottle, how much sleep she lost, and how stressful it was for her. As I see her now, from an adult viewpoint, and know how pushy she gets in her efforts to get people to eat the things she cooks, I have my doubts that she made many, if any, changes in my formula. And that is what it was back then, a formula that mothers mixed themselves .... not this 'ready made', chemical laden stuff that is pushed on us today.

So I guess I have answered my own question, Mom's Food Fixation goes back to even before I was born. I now see her attitude towards her 'cooking' from adult eyes, I see that she expects everyone to absolutely love everything she cooks. She is a pretty good cook, and uses this skill as one of her narcissistic suppliers. She fishes and pushes for compliments to the point you can't even enjoy what you are eating. Often times, her probing  begins the second your teeth sink into that first bite, before the flavor even has a chance to hit your tongue. If you don't eat what she pushes at you, and compliment her on it, she becomes insulted, rubbing it in your face for a long while to come. So I can see where, after 'making' my formula and being so proud of herself, my tiny little body's rejection of it would have infuriated her so badly that she would have just kept feeding it to me with the attitude, "I made it and you are going to drink it and like it." When Little Brother was born, at his very first whimper, his formula was changed to ensure that he was comfortable.

As a small child, I was a pretty picky eater (you would never know that now, ha, ha). It's no wonder with the shape my tummy must have been in (It turned out that I was allergic to cow's milk.). But there were still quite a few things, in every food group, that I did like, so it wasn't difficult to feed me a well balanced meal (I even liked spinach and Brussels sprouts.). I also was not a big eater. I was small, but a healthy weight on the low side. And I was always in a hurry to get dinner over with so I could go back outside to play. Mom would pile my plate high, with servings that nearly matched hers, and expect me to eat 'every bite.'  I was not to leave the table until my plate was 'clean.' (Looking back, now, I can see that, in part, that was done in resentment for how happy going outside and playing made me.) Once full, I would sit there for hours on end, the only one left at the table, staring at my plate, crying because I was too full to eat another bite, and listening to Mom, standing over me, screaming at me because she had gone to the trouble of cooking my meal and I was GOING TO EAT IT! Course, all that screaming just made my little tummy knot up, making it even harder to finish the adult-sized portions staring back at me from my plate. And Little Brother? Where was he? He was outside playing. Was his plate clean? NO! Why? "He is smaller than you and can't eat as much."

Then there were the foods that I didn't like, but she did. When she was in one of her "moods", she would pile generous amounts of those foods on my plate. No, I couldn't take just a bite or two (like the average parent has their kids do with foods they don't like, in an effort to culture their tastes), I had to eat the entire serving! She liked it, it was delicious, and therefore, I was going to like it, too! There were some foods, such as radishes, that I disliked so much, I gagged at even the tiniest of tastes. But when she was in one of those 'moods', she would put several of those nasty, hot, pethy things on my plate and insist I eat every bite and like it, because she loved them. I would try, take little bites, gag, then cry, and cry, and cry, wishing like everything that 'it' was over and I could go outside and play. (I was around 5-7 years old here.) Then I would cry harder at the thought of what I knew was coming next, which brought on louder derogatory screams in my ear, and knotted my full little tummy up even tighter. Everyone else had gone outside, it was just she and I. Under threat of physical harm, I finally took bigger bites of those nasty old radishes to try and get them down faster, but the taste was soooo offensive, that I threw up on the floor next to my chair. It wasn't at all intentional. Their taste was just that disgusting to me, I was already full from the things I did like, and my little tummy was all nervous and knotted up. But then.... just as I feared.... the belt came out! It was unthinkable, and unforgivable, to so strongly dislike a food that she loved so much. So, I had to be punished. Her insulted ego, anger, and frustrations were then taken out on my legs and bottom (Little girls wore light weight dresses, then.).  This process was repeated until the food was consumed. Finally, offensive food consumed, mess all cleaned up, I was allowed to leave the table. By then, playtime was over, bedtime was near, and my next duty was to pick out a dress for school the next day, one that would hide the whelps on my legs.

to be continued. . . . . . . .

Froggy Is Cute?

Narcissists are very full of themselves. In their eyes, everything they do is great, cute, wonderful, adorable, etc. No matter how rude or disgusting they may think something is if someone else is doing it, it is wonderful if they, themselves are doing it.

One of Mom's favorite's is when she gets a Frog in her Throat. She thinks she sounds really 'cool' like that, refuses to clear her throat, jabbers non-stop because she loves to hear the sound she is making, and wants everyone possible to hear the really cool sound she is making. [It's not cool, Mom, it's annoying!] Even worse..... somehow, in her twisted thought process, she thinks that 'frog-in-the-throat' sounds is classy! Ugh!!!And the worse the 'frog' is, the more she talks about nothing to make sure everyone possible gets to hear it. Allergy season is the worst!

It happened again yesterday during a phone conversation with her. She first called me about something specific (that only took a moment), but then, as usual, she had to jabber about anything she could think of, as quickly as she could think of things, to hold me on the phone (that control thing). At the very beginning of our conversation, from the moment I answered the phone, she had a Frog in her Throat! You would think by now that I would stop expecting her to clear her throat, as the average person would immediately do, but I still do. The minute I heard the Frog croaking, I naturally anticipated her to stop a moment and clear her throat .... but, of course, she didn't. So after several sentences of frustratedly trying to understand what she was saying, I stopped her and said, "Mom, you have a frog in your throat and I can't understand you." Of course, once it was brought to her attention in a tone that let her know I considered it a negative thing, she flatly denied it. She irritatedly argued (frog in throat), "No I don't! There is nothing wrong with my throat. It's fine!" and continued talking even faster and louder than before, the croaking growing by the moment.

 There was absolutely no way to understand what she was saying, and she wasn't going to stop talking for awhile because she was enjoying hearing herself so much, so I finally put the phone on speaker, laid it down, picked up my knitting, and just let her jabber away while I worked on my knitting. Finally, many minutes later, when the Frog got so bad that she could no longer get ANY words at all out, she stopped, cleared her throat, and, without missing a beat in her one-sided conversation, said, "Well, I guess I did have a little frog in my throat." then continued on jabbering. 'Mr. Froggy' was wonderful so long as he was making her sound cool, but when he got in the way of her getting her words out, the control source by which she was keeping me on the phone and away from what I needed to be doing (so she thought), Mr. Froggy had to go!

 It is unbelievable the things a narcissist thinks is cute and will use to draw attention to themselves.

A Pie In The Face

 The mind of the Narcissist is very complex and complicated. Added to that, I get sooooo frustrated trying to deal with my Narcissists' unexpected, I-can't-believe-she/he-just-did-that attacks, that my thoughts start to all jumble around over each other, making it difficult to document the incident smoothly. So please bear with me and ask away if something isn't clear or doesn't make sense and you want me to clarify.

A few weeks ago my  mom kept saying she was in the mood for a peach cobbler. One evening, I was going to be at her house through the dinner hour working on a project and we decided I would grab a couple of  TV dinners while I was at the store. I saw the new Banquet fruit pies in the freezer. You know, the ones that are the size of the individual pot pies? Well, I thought I would get one for the two of us to split and surprise her. When I got to her house and walked in the door, I smelled it cooking..... She had just made a peach cobbler!

I showed her the peach pie and she said she had seen them and been thinking about trying one. But she had just made the peach cobbler and it was fresh and ready. So we decided to put the Banquet peach pie in the freezer for another time when we ate together. It was never mentioned again. The weather turned hot and we all started eating ice cream instead.

--- Weeks later, I had to stop by her house to pick something up and drop something off on my way home. In the kitchen at her house, I happened to walk by her as she was getting in the freezer for something. It is amazing how fast the Narcissist thinks! She took immediate opportunity to slap me down. (I was obviously having a good day, was in a good mood, and that agitates a narcissist.)

She reached in the freezer, pulled out the little Peach Pie (which wasn't what she had originally gone to the freezer for), went into a very bad acting mode and sarcastically said, "Andy got this for me the other day trying to do something nice for me but I DO NOT like them. I haven't said anything to him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. It has some kind of spice in it that I don't like and I don't like spices in my peach pie. I like my peach pies just plain." (Andy is my adult son that has just moved in with my mom.)

Oh, my gosh! What a slap in the face! She knew I had gotten that pie for the both of us to share that night we ate dinner together! She knew that we had put it up to share another time since she had already made a cobbler. She hadn't forgotten any of it. But when I got there  I was in a happy mood, having a good day, and she just couldn't allow that! She had to think of something quick to bring me down. So when she reached in the freezer for something, I walked by,  she spotted that pie, and she instantly fabricated the story about my son getting it for her. They are quick and creative, while you stand there struggling to make sense of it all.

She hadn't really ever tried one. She probably had read the ingredients and remembered seeing that it had cinnamon or something in it. Personally, I think they are pretty darned good for something you can bake in the microwave in less than 5 minutes. She probably would have loved it. But at that moment, she had two motives in mind.... One was to knock my happy mood down a few pegs, The other was the added bonus of taking the opportunity to make a deposit in the "I am better than you and you must remember it" Bank. She did this by insinuating that the pie may be good enough for me, but it wasn't for her. "You may like it with spices in it, but I don't. I like mine with just peaches, with emphasis on the 'I'.  (By this time I had reminded her that I, not Andy, had gotten that pie for the both of us, though she did already know that. That was the wrong thing to do because her face lit up with joy and satisfaction when she saw how insulted I was. You just can't win, no matter which way you go. They seem to have something to cover every angle.)

She said in an 'I'm better than you' tone with a hint of sarcasm, "I'm sorry, but I don't like these," and shoved it at me. "I know you bought it for me but you may as well take it home." Me, me, me, me, me ..... I  bought it for US to share, not just HER, and she DID remember that. But at that moment, it was all about her and my happy mood had to be knocked down. Why? Because inside they are constantly miserable, and it just won't do for their Scapegoat to be happy! That just can't be allowed. It is unthinkable for the Scapegoat to have something the Narcissist doesn't have, such as happiness, in this case.

As she attempted to start up a conversation to detain me (more control), I said I had to get home, grabbed up the pie, my purse, and left to go home where I could continue to enjoy the rest of my happy day, yet leaving her to think she had won a victory. If she thinks she has her fix, then I might have a little peace before her next attack.

I ate the blasted ole pie that night and thoroughly enjoyed it, while I chatted with friends over the phone and stayed in my happy mood. She missed out on some really good dessert. But for her, a fix was more important.