My boyfriend (a really good one finally) passed away a couple of months ago so I haven't been interested in dating. I have just been letting myself take my time going through the grief process.
But one day a couple of weeks ago, I had received a message that I had messages on a dating site I use to be on. I got on to update my profile and let people know that I had just lost someone and wasn't interested in dating at this time. While I was on there I started getting messages from a couple more people. I sent back a simple reply to a couple of them. One in particular expressed his sympathies but said that he would like to at least talk a little more.
We exchanged quite a few emails, chatted a little, and had a few enjoyable phone conversations. He did seem to be a bit of a braggart (especially about how much money he made), but not too bad and he always kept me laughing. He had tentatively asked me out one day for a fishing date on his boat later in that week. We had it narrowed down to one of two days. Those days came and went with no more mention of the date.
Then a couple of days ago he asked me more specifically for a lunch date for today. I agreed and even had looked forward to it. He had even asked me where my favorite place to eat was. He had to make a 45 minute drive for our date. But then, I had to make just under a 30 minute drive. Since he was driving here and getting lunch, I wanted to make sure I contributed. So I took him a package of the popular fish bait that I make (which turned out to be worth double what my lunch was).
He called to let me know when he was getting close to here. When he did, he asked where we should meet at, no mention of the restaurant that I had said was my favorite (which is also very inexpensive). He grumbled something about our town not having a KFC. I told him that it did, telling him where it was. He said, "Good! I will meet you there. They have a $2 lunch special on Wednesdays." He explained that he didn't like to spend a lot of money on the unimportant things. I knew then that the date was over before it had begun!
He had said that when I got there I would definitely know him. He was right. He was decorated up in the way that he usually is for his business. He was using our date for a public promotion. I had arrived first, then he did a couple of minutes later. I had waited out in my car for him to get there, intending to meet him outside and walk in together. No, as soon as he got there he went right in. Of course his attire drew attention and customers immediately started asking him about it. So as I went in and introduced myself to him, he gave me a sideways smile and hello, then went back to talking to a customer about his business, heavily promoting himself.
We finally go to the counter to order. He told me what the $2 special was and asked me if that was okay. I smiled and politely said, "sure." The woman asked what we wanted to drink. I said root beer, he said water. I actually usually get water, but this time I was in the mood for a root beer. The order taker asked me what size. Just as I opened my mouth to answer he quickly jumped in and firmly stated, "Small.... you all have free refills so why would you want a bigger one. If she wants a bigger one she can pay for it." Geez!!! Although I would have ordered the small anyway, I certainly didn't like my decisions so crudely being made for me, nor his whole attitude about the matter. He was doing my thinking for me, already controlling me. I, however, rolled with it and kept on smiling while I told myself, "careful girl, go cautiously, looks like we could have another Narcissist on our hands, here."
He at least did let me pick the table, although I am sure he would have disagreed if it wasn't one he had in mind. I chose a quiet one close to a window and off to the side where we could easily talk. The conversation went fairly smoothly. All I had to do was nod my head and laugh now and then. He did a great job of holding the conversation and telling me all about how great he and his business were, and laughing hard at everything he, himself said. He stopped several times to take a call and jot notes down in the notebook he had brought in with him. He wanted everyone in the room to know how important he was. He had asked me a little once before about my business, but I had only managed to get to tell him a little about it. And he didn't seem interested in discussing my business today, either. He was on a mission, to draw attention to himself to promote his.
When I quietly handed him the package of my professionally packaged fish bait that I had brought for him (during all of our conversations so far he had talked about how much he liked to fish), the first thing he skeptically asked was, "Does it work?" I said, "Of course," and tried to tell him a little about how I got started making it. He distantly listened, smushing and fidgeting with it in a way that I said would harm it, said he woudl try it tonight at his cousin's, then put it away and got out pictures of some of his work. Yes, he had brought in a very large bag of pictures of his work! He especially made sure I saw the ones of him posed with a couple of big country singing stars, making sure I understood how great he was because he knew them and they liked him. At this point I had no doubt but that I he was another obvious Narcissist! He was great because he personally knew and once talked to someone that was great, someone that was a very popular big time star...... one of the most typical Narcissist traits, I'm great because I know someone that is great.
He went to get a second plate of food and he did offer to get me one. I declined as one was more than enough for me and I was afraid of how he would react if I had accepted. First date and I was already tiptoeing around the egg shells, so to speak. On his way back to the table, he stopped to heckle an employee that was sweeping and not paying attention to him. Everyone must know he was there, what he did for a living, and how great he was. Even other customers that chose to ignore his standout look and eat their lunch peacefully, were forced to notice him. He either stopped by their tables to make some silly remark, then began slyly promoting himself, or he would call to one across the room making some silly remark to get their attention. And of course, he made it clear to everyone in the building that this KFC wasn't nearly as good as the one in his town, a tactic to let us all know that we were beneath him and he was greater than anyone in the building, use to better, and we should all admire him. Give me a break, lunch was only $2 for a full plate of food, just what did he expect!? Oh, yes, he also made it a point, several times throughout our dining experience to tell me and several customers along with the KFC employees, that he now has the KFC recipe, that he had managed to recently get it from someone, insinuating that it was because he was so special.
As he began to eat his second plate and I sipped on my refill, he proceeded to show me pictures of all of his expensive "toys," things that he owned such as recreational vehicles, and there were several. We were there for quite awhile. Although he seemed to be enjoying telling me all about himself, I really think that our overly long lunch date was due to the fact that the restaurant was slow and he had to stay longer to make more business contacts. He did give out his number to one customer before we left, in an effort to secure a sale with them.
Outside, he walked me to my car and it was more of the same, lots of bragging about himself and his business and now it included how great his sons' business was, how popular their band was and how much money they made. At this point, I had totally given up on talking at all about myself and just listened, smiled and nodded. He did manage to criticize the way I had parked, never considering that I may have parked that way because the person that had been next to me when I got there had parked crooked and I had to follow suit to fit. Although he said he understood, his expression told me that he didn't believe me, then he proceeded to tell me how he usually blocked people that parked like that in so that they couldn't open their car doors. The attitude .... people that weren't perfect like him needed to be punished. He wanted to subtly make sure that I understood that I wasn't as great as he was.
We talked for awhile longer ..... well, he talked, I listened, smiled, nodded and added the occasional comment of agreement or shocked disbelief, whichever was most appropriate. Finally, he needed to leave to get to his cousin's house before dinner and I needed to run an errand before 5. `He asked me what I would like to do on our next date. He said it was kind of boring here (at KFC). Seemed to me like he was having a great time. He sure had laughed a lot at his own conversations. I suggested we go to the lake or somewhere by the water. He said, "Well, maybe I can get my boat started soon." Boat..... that would be nice, but I don't have to have a boat to enjoy being at the lake. He then said, "Well, we have between now and then to decide, don't we." I, once again, agreed. No specific "then" had been set anyway for a next date.
We parted ways, saying our good byes and wishing each other a good evening, but without so much as a hug. He certainly didn't appear to even want a hug. As he started to walk away and reached the end of my car, he paused to childishly draw a very large happy and sad face in the dust on my back window, giggling like a Jr. High boy and stating, "Not too bad, only a little dust." I said, I washed them all good and clean 2 days ago, but I live on a dirt road, what do you expect?" He answered in an authoritative, judgmental tone, "It isn't too bad, just a little dusty." First, I was desperately trying to hold my temper at that point, because drawing on windows in the dust scratches them all up. And second... who the heck did he think he was judging the amount of dust on my windshield?!! I mean, we are talking about a man that showed up for a date with his beard completely painted in an array of neon colors to get noticed. Something in me must have given him the impression I was strong and threatened his ego, because all through our date he made numerous attempts to make it clear to me that I was 'beneath' him. I gave him my "You're a jerk" look and he turned to walk away. But before we parted, he called back to add that on our next date, I was paying. Hmmmm.... that 99 cent Egg Drop Soup at my favorite local Chinese place sure sounds good! I went on to my errand but before he left, he was headed back in to KFC with his VERY LARGE drink cup from, of course, somewhere else, to fill it up with ice (again) before he left. I guess that paying for my small drink made him feel entitled to free ice refills in his own cup as well. My guess was that he was not only going back in to refill his ice, but to spend a little more time drawing more attention to himself to drum up even more business. Who knows how long he probably ended up staying.
Before I went to bed I checked the dating site to see if he had left me any messages, as he usually did in the evening. Sure enough, he had been on the site not too long before, but no messages to me. No phone calls since, either. Guess I hadn't gushed enough over him and fed his Narcissistic Supply as well as he had hoped. This time around, the Narcissist was obviously drawn to me, like a magnet. I am getting much better and much faster at spotting them, though I am sure some may be better than others and still occasionally throw me off track for at least a little while. But this time, I had him figured out within the first 10 minutes of our first (and last) date! I will; however, be going back to KFC. That was an excellent lunch for only $2, which included two pieces of fried chicken, a great biscuit, and fresh, hot mashed potatoes and gravy.
