For the past few years, my brother, sister-in-law (both Narcissists) and their two young children have been living in my mom's home. (Our mom is also a hard core Narcissist) I will get to the 'why-they-have-been-living-there' in a future blog.
It has been very interesting to see how my brother's Narcissism is one style, while the two women's Narcissism is another style, the women's nearly identical to each other. It gets downright humorous seeing each of the two women complaining about something the other might think, do, say, or feel, when they themselves think, do, say, or feel the same thing. You just gotta shake your head, keep your mouth shut and save your laugh for after you have left.
But sometimes, the things my sister-in-law (we will call her Louise) does to Mom are so horrible, I have to step in. Although both women are Malignant Narcissists, Louise cruelly uses our elderly mom for her Narcissistic fixes. Louise's most recent attack, though aimed at Mom, was so vicious, it hurt many of us in the family.
My brother (we will call him Dan), along with his wife and family are finally moving out of Mom's house and out-of-town. They are actually 'officially' moved, but still have a bunch of crap to come get. Quite a few of Mom's spices and assorted small things around the house have gone missing through the move, but each was so small she decided it just wasn't worth the fight to try and get them back. Oh, yes, I must add that Mom (83) is recovering from an injury and has no way to go to Dan and Louise's house to see if she sees any of her belongings, and I am not invited or welcome (more on that later, too).
Then this week, when Mom was finally getting around well enough, with the aid of her walker, that she could prepare something simple in the kitchen, she discovered that her favorite cooking pot was missing! No, this wasn't just any cooking pot that could be replaced. This was a family heirloom with priceless sentimental value. It was always kept in the exact same spot and she was horrified to see it not there. She and I both searched every corner and cranny of her cabinets, house and garage.... but NO POT.
This sturdy, old, aluminum cooking pot was my Grandmother's.... Mom's Mom's. Grandma had cooked with it for a long, long time. Then it was passed down to my mom, who has used it now for at least 60 years on a regular basis, and it would be passed down to me next, then on to my oldest daughter. There are many happy, fun stories that go with many happy, fun meals and dishes that were cooked over the years in that old pot. As I was growing up, I learned many of my cooking skills while using that pot and it is my brother's favorite cooking pot to use to make his BBQ sauce. And now, it is missing.
Mom called Dan to see if he had it up there at their new place. She politely worded her question, giving them the benefit that they might have accidentally packed it, although she knew that it wouldn't have been an accident. His tone let her know that he honestly hadn't seen it and hadn't packed or taken it. He sincerely sounded surprised that it wasn't there. Then she asked him to ask Louise about it, if she had 'accidentally' packed it. Then he got on the defensive..... "Louise knew what that pot meant to us..... She wouldn't have taken it..... You must have misplaced it and forgot" (they use the "your getting senile" routine every time they don't want to take responsibility for something they lost or destroyed). Dan has become very defensive of his wife's Narcissistic actions, covering up her behaviors and making her out to be the victim.
The family heirloom cooking pot is, supposedly, no where to be found at his new home either. And now that Mom's simple question has been turned into a big stink, it is not likely that the pot will ever be seen again. So why would Louise have taken the pot, which, due to circumstances, we have no doubt but that is what happened? There are two possibilities, and you have to try and 'think like a Narcissist' for a moment to figure it out.
The first possibility is simply, Louise liked the pot and wanted it. While they lived with Mom, she also liked the old cooking pot and used it often. Since she liked it and used it a lot, she would have felt 'entitled' to it and packed it. She knew that she wouldn't have been allowed to take it, by any of us, not even Dan, so she would have sneaked it out. But because in her sick, twisted, little Narcissistic mind she felt entitled to it, she took it. She liked it, she used it, she wanted it, she is above everyone else, she is entitled. In her mind, if she is entitled, it isn't stealing. Then if she is caught or someone tries to get it back, she then portrays herself as the unfortunate victim. Oh, yes, I must add, by secretly taking something, it keeps the actual victim wondering and guessing, while the 'thief' is the only one that knows the truth, thus giving them, the Narcissist, all the control. And Narcissists thrive on control!
The second possibility . . . . . spite! A Narcissist's mind is complex and you never know what will make them mad. After the fact, when you learn of something and think it through with the Narcissist's thought process in mind, you might give yourself a head-thunk and say, "ugh! I should have thought of that!" Louise may have gotten mad at Mom for something. It may have been something Mom unknowingly said, did, or something Louise was jealous of Mom for. Although Louise appears to be excited about moving, she could be mad that she is moving and won't have Mom for a free baby sitter, or that she has to clean her own house now, as Mom has been forced to do all the cleaning for the past few years. Whatever it was, Louise may have been mad at Mom and the cooking pot permanently 'disappeared' for spite, because she knew it was something Mom treasured. Louise often did this, but never with something so valuable. Mom would make Louise mad then Mom would later learn the something in her fridge or canned good cabinet had gone out in the trash. Narcissists often get a BIG fix by hiding something that belongs to their Narcissistic Supplier' down in the trash, then watching them take the trash out and personally, unknowingly, throwing it out. Then they can honestly say, "I didn't throw it away." It is spite, manipulation, revenge, and control at it's best, giving the Narcissist a very rewarding 'fix'.
