In Her Mood!!!

I talked to my mom on the phone last night. She was still in that 'mood.' She has been in that mood for days, now. When things aren't going her way, or she isn't getting her Narcissistic "fix" met, she gets in this horrible, constantly sarcastic, every one is against her, hates the world, hunts harder than ever to find things to slap me (the scapegoat) down for, moods. It's the equivalent to a druggie's withdrawals. It's a Narcissist's withdrawal.... withdrawing from lack of Narcissistic Supply.

I call her at night for two reasons... one, to make sure she is okay and isn't sick or hasn't fallen or anything. The other is to let her know that I am okay, that I haven't fallen, haven't had another heart attack or asthma attack, and am still breathing. Yes, she could be calling me to check on me, but by making it clear that she expects me to call her each day, and me making the call each day, she is getting the satisfaction of one small 'control fix' each day. If I miss a day and don't call her, she sinks into an extremely sulky, depressed, very bitter mood. She then calls up all of her friends in her gossip chain and proceeds to lay out to them the fabricated story she has built up as to how I don't care enough about her to call and check on her, how I worry her to the point she is sick and can't sleep because she doesn't know if I am alive or if something has happened to me (even though that phone goes both ways and we are only talking about one day, here), and, in general, what a horrible person I am. She will do this for days, spewing her concocted story to anyone she can get to listen to it, even service people that come to her house. And in the end, I end up being the one that looks like the villain, disregarding the fact that she is filling her listeners full of lies and fabrications.

As stressful, frustrating, emotionally draining, and toxic as it is to our emotional and physical health and well being to deal with a narcissist, sometimes, that narcissist is someone that we are blood related to, and/or (as hard as it is to believe) love, and don't want to walk away from. So we must learn clever ways to deal with them. So, why GIVE her that Narcissistic Fix each and every day? Why GIVE her that little bit of control each and every day? Actually, I'm not giving her anything! She just thinks that I am. Unknowingly, she has given ME the control. I know what she needs for a small, daily fix, to keep her pacified, to keep her mood on an even keel and I GIVE it to her (until her need for a bigger fix arises, then that is an whole other story) . It is like sticking a pacifier into a baby's mouth to keep EVERYONE peaceful and happy. It works for awhile and things go along reasonably smoothly, but, eventually, the 'baby' has bigger needs to be satisfied, and/or the 'baby' begins to feel neglected, or no longer the center of attention, and demands some satisfaction, then requiring different methods to deal with his/her emotional explosion.

And this is where I am at right now, she is exploding with bigger things. After many, many years of a pattern of bad relationships, I am finally seeing someone that is extra good to me, and I am very happy. This new found happiness and security on my end, in turn, frustrates my Narcissistic Mom. She can't stand me being this happy, this just can't be. No matter how 'happy', a narcissist appears on the surface (and only regular 'hits of narcissistic supply brings happiness), deep down inside, they are very miserable, frustrated, unhappy people - constantly. And because I am an adult and living on my own, she is feeling a total loss of control over my relationship and my happiness. The narcissist absolutely can't tolerate their scapegoat ever being happy. The scapegoat MUST always stay pushed down beneath them (in their eyes). So, at the moment, she is doing all she can to bring my happy mood down.

She is my mom, and, it is natural for a daughter to share her happiness with her mother. I struggle with this. My natural instinct, (even nearly 50 years later) is, when I get excited about something, to share my good news with my mom. I promise you, people, that ISN'T the thing to do! Yesterday, I was all excited about getting a brand new, artificial Christmas tree for next to nothing at the flea market. I hadn't put up a tree, yet, this year because I couldn't afford a new one, and my old one won't fit where I am living right now. So I was extra excited when I lucked onto one for nearly nothing, one exactly like I wanted at that. When I talked to her last night and she asked how my day went, I started to tell her about the narrow, 6-foot, old-fashioned looking tree I had gotten, letting the excitement shine through in my voice. Before I could finish, before I could tell her how little I paid for it (well under $5), she began yelling at me and telling me that I should have said something to her, that she had an old, small, 3-foot one that I could have used. Every time I tried to open my mouth to explain, she jumped back in to express how her tree was much better and I should have used hers, how terrible it was that, as broke as I am, I BOUGHT a new tree. She just kept on about her old tree, how she got it, and how great it was. Every time a break in the conversation came up and I tried to get a word in to explain, she loudly and sarcastically jumped in, cutting me off at my first word, talking as fast as she possibly could, about how great her tree was and how terrible I was for getting a new one. Finally, I raised my voice (not yelling, just loud enough I could talk over her) and said, "Let me finish! I was in the middle of telling you about my tree and you interrupted me." Of course I got the, "Don't you yell at me! Don't you raise your voice to me!"  (with the insinuation, 'I'm your mother, you must respect me and never raise your voice to me, nor talk to me in that tone." She has actually said that to me numerous times, now it is simply insinuated.) Rather than fuel her fire, I went silent, which really confuses her. She is wanting a fight, and doesn't know how to deal with silence. So, after a spell of silence, she finally said, "Go on, finish telling me what you were trying to say."  (By telling me to finish what I was saying, she thinks she is still controlling me and getting a tiny little Narcissistic Fix.)

I forced myself to swallow my anger and hurt, and push my excitement about my new tree to the front, as I finished telling her about it (as if she had never tried to slap my excitement down). I made it clear how happy and excited I was about my new tree, and how I couldn't wait to get it set up, making sure I didn't let a drop of anger at her come to the surface. It confused her, badly, and she didn't have a clue what to say. Nothing she had just said or done to slap down my happiness had worked. That confused her, and the phone grew silent. She finally asked, sarcastically, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yes, I was letting you have your turn to talk." She frustratedly replied, "Well I don't know anything new! I don't have any new news to tell you! (meaning gossip)  I was waiting for you to tell me something else!" . . . meaning, start a new topic so I have something else to slap you down with. I wouldn't give her any new fodder, she couldn't break my happy mood, so, frustrated, she said she needed to get to bed and ended our conversation. No telling how she will 'enhance' the story of our phone call to retell to her gossip chain this evening. In the past, this conversation would have upset me so badly that I would have put the tree away and not even put it, or any other tree up, sinking into depression about it the rest of the Christmas season ..... she would have 'won' and gotten her desired Narcissistic fix ..... but this week, I am going to put that tree up and thoroughly enjoy it!

I finally have a boyfriend that treats me well, makes me very happy, and that I have a promising future with. In my mom's eyes, that is a major threat to her ego, and my 'happy mood' MUST be knocked down! But I am not bending. I am not breaking. I am not letting go of my happy mood, no matter how financially broke I am, nor what life clinker is thrown at me, and that frustrates her beyond description. So right now, she is in a constant state of sarcasm with me, spending her days thinking up ways to knock my happy mood down. I dread my nightly calls to her, hate having to stay so alert, on guard and defensive, but she is my mom, and I wouldn't feel right if I didn't call each day to check and make sure she is okay. Stay tuned, her 'mood' could get very interesting.